Sunday, October 16, 2005

"That's An Insult To Both Of Us. It Makes Me Stupid And You A Whore."

I thought I was the only person in the world who enjoyed watching Chuck Norris movies, thankfully I have some equally crazy friends. Not long ago, I was at a party talking shit with a friend when he told me that was a Chuck Norris fan. So, I had to ask him if he'd seen The Octagon. He hadn't, which is no surprise really, so I launched into my pro-Octagon spiel. "Ok, imagine it's 1980 and Chuck Norris goes up against a group of terrorist ninjas in a training facility shaped like an octagon. Oh yeah, and Lee Van Cleef is in it too." Normally, such a description would be met with a blank stare and then I would be asked to leave the party. But, I knew I was in good company, because not only was my friend intrigued but he suggested that we should get together for a screening of The Octagon. And so we did.

I won't get into a lengthy review of the movie, because really what's the point? If my description hasn't already told you all you need to know, then this movie isn't for you. I will however share with you a thing or two that I learned from watching The Octagon.

1) Despite claiming to be masters of illusion and camoflage, ninjas are incredibly easy to spot. As they generally wear entirely black outfits in broad daylight. They are also prone to hiding in trees with no leaves.

2) Trap doors and sliding doors are all operated manually.

3) Chuck Norris' inner monologue is a much better actor than Chuck Norris himself.

4) Chuck Norris' nipples (CNN) get far too much screen time than should be allowed by law. Despite being one hairy SOB, Chuck has no qualms about going shirtless and giving everyone a long look at some CNN.

5) Terrorist training facilities are incredibly well lit, even at night. Though, night only seems to last about 30 minutes.

I hope this helps all of you. If I can educate just one person out there, then I did not sit through The Octagon in vain.

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