Sunday, March 26, 2006

"You're The Posse Of The Future."

Wow. What a powerful anti-piracy message. I can't believe piracy didn't stop dead in its tracks after this video came out. I mean, I never knew just how many nerds I was hurting. I'm gonna delete all my mp3s and video files and you should too.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Why Don't They Make Novelty St. Patty's Day Hats For People With Big Heads?

All my life, I've been cursed with a slightly larger than average head. This has drastically affected my ability to wear hats. Now, while my head isn't freakishly big (like, say, that of Sloth from The Goonies) it's just big enough that I can't wear any of those "one-size-fits-all" hats that you average headed people can wear. So really, it's no big deal, except when it comes to St. Patrick's Day. I love those green plastic St. Patrick's Day novelty hats, but alas, I can't wear them. They're just a wee bit too small for my head. So imagine my shame as the hats were being passed around the Black Pearl and I had to gingerly rest mine on the back of my head. Sullen in the fact that it was not a proper fit. Oh, cruel fate, why do you mock me?

Today is/was the day after St. Patrick's Day, which means that I'm a bit hung over. Being half-Irish (I wore green, did you?) I was obligated to have a few drinks last night. I stayed away from green beer though. You can dress up a glass of draught any way you like, but it's still cheap swill. And while my friends and I managed to bring our A game to the celebration, I couldn't help but be surprised by the lack of St. Patty's Day drunken shenanigans in my community. My town is notorious for its alcoholism and yet it was unsettlingly sober and quiet on the most Irish of holidays.

I haven't much else to say. This post was mostly intended as a cop out from doing a recap on the last week or so and as a peace offering to those who are concerned that my blog is turning into a DVD review column (this means you, Fairbanks). So, until I watch something Chuck Norris related, this will have to hold you all over. I'll throw in a few video links, because if CNN is any indication (and when have they been wrong?), everyone loves internet videos.

Most Honorable Video Links

First off, a compilation of the "famous" Trunk Monkey ads. When news shows do reports on internet videos (aka viral videos) the Trunk Monkey ads always seem to get mentioned. I guess demographics don't lie, people like monkeys.

Next up we have Volkswagen's Unpimp My Ride ads. A great series of ads featuring Peter Stormare, everyone's favorite nihilist from The Big Lebowski. Check out the three ads here, here and here.

Someone once asked, "what the hell is wrong with German people?" And while I don't know the answer to that question, I present you with a clip of Germany's least patient citizen. I can only hope that this kid never gets the opportunity to sire offspring.

And finally, a classic Super Mario Bros head to head competition. Two guys square off in front of a crowd to see who can beat the beloved Nintendo game in the least amount of time.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

"Get Me A Beer, Kid."

'I have a pretty strict criteria for seeing movies, they must star Chuck Norris.' - Stephen Colbert March 6th, 2006

I couldn't agree with you more Mr. Colbert.

So, it was in this spirit that I watched the Chuck Norris classic Lone Wolf McQuade the other night. A movie that would foreshadow Norris' own career and show us all that no other man could quite portray a Texas Ranger like our man Chuck.

1983 finds our bearded hero playing the role of J.J. McQuade, a man who keeps a pet wolf at home and wouldn't drink an imported beer if you paid him. A Texas Ranger who plays by his own rules but always gets the job done. But in spite of his solid record of kicking ass and taking names, McQuade's superiors don't care for his "lone wolf" style of Texas justice. Enter Kayo, McQuade's new hispanic junior partner. Together, the two begin to investigate a series of illegal arms deals. This leads the duo to encounter Rawley Wilkes (played by David Carradine of Kung Fu and Death Race 2000 fame) and Lola, his lady love.

In no time at all Norris steals Carradine's woman. All it took was a display of his ass kicking abilities (and really what woman could resist that?). So, in retaliation, Carradine sends Norris' daughter to the hospital (the oddly named Eastwood hospital, for those with keen movie watching skills). After that, it's all out war. First, Norris shakes down Carradine's business partner, who (I shit you not) is a midget in a wheelchair. Then, Norris, his hispanic partner and the only fed who isn't a candyass go on an all-out raid on Carradine's secret compound.

That pretty much sums up the plot, but no one really watches a Chuck Norris movie for the plot. Norris fans will wanna seek this movie out for the great fight sequence between Norris and Carradine. Also, in my favorite scene, Norris gets buried by bulldozers indside his nitro boosted Ram Charger. So, instead of slowly suffocating, he turns on the nitro, guns the engine and literally drives out of the ground. A feat that only Chuck Norris could accomplish. Also worth noting is that the music in this movie is all over the map, at times it sounds like an Ennio Morricone spaghetti western score, while at other times it sounds like music from The A-Team.

So, if you can find yourself a copy of Lone Wolf McQuade, check it out. You'll be glad you did.