"Get Me A Beer, Kid."

'I have a pretty strict criteria for seeing movies, they must star Chuck Norris.' - Stephen Colbert March 6th, 2006

I couldn't agree with you more Mr. Colbert.

So, it was in this spirit that I watched the Chuck Norris classic Lone Wolf McQuade the other night. A movie that would foreshadow Norris' own career and show us all that no other man could quite portray a Texas Ranger like our man Chuck.

1983 finds our bearded hero playing the role of J.J. McQuade, a man who keeps a pet wolf at home and wouldn't drink an imported beer if you paid him. A Texas Ranger who plays by his own rules but always gets the job done. But in spite of his solid record of kicking ass and taking names, McQuade's superiors don't care for his "lone wolf" style of Texas justice. Enter Kayo, McQuade's new hispanic junior partner. Together, the two begin to investigate a series of illegal arms deals. This leads the duo to encounter Rawley Wilkes (played by David Carradine of Kung Fu and Death Race 2000 fame) and Lola, his lady love.

In no time at all Norris steals Carradine's woman. All it took was a display of his ass kicking abilities (and really what woman could resist that?). So, in retaliation, Carradine sends Norris' daughter to the hospital (the oddly named Eastwood hospital, for those with keen movie watching skills). After that, it's all out war. First, Norris shakes down Carradine's business partner, who (I shit you not) is a midget in a wheelchair. Then, Norris, his hispanic partner and the only fed who isn't a candyass go on an all-out raid on Carradine's secret compound.

That pretty much sums up the plot, but no one really watches a Chuck Norris movie for the plot. Norris fans will wanna seek this movie out for the great fight sequence between Norris and Carradine. Also, in my favorite scene, Norris gets buried by bulldozers indside his nitro boosted Ram Charger. So, instead of slowly suffocating, he turns on the nitro, guns the engine and literally drives out of the ground. A feat that only Chuck Norris could accomplish. Also worth noting is that the music in this movie is all over the map, at times it sounds like an Ennio Morricone spaghetti western score, while at other times it sounds like music from The A-Team.

So, if you can find yourself a copy of Lone Wolf McQuade, check it out. You'll be glad you did.