Thursday, February 16, 2006

"Welcome To My World."

There are a lot of things that have gained popularity over the last few years due to the boom in internet culture, two such examples would have to be: mullets and Chuck Norris. Thankfully in 1991, perhaps anticipating their place in culture-to-come, these two things met in a little movie called The Hitman.

Now, you may be asking yourself, "how did I manage to miss such a culturally significant movie like The Hitman?" To which I would have to reply, "I don't know, I just don't know." Lucky for you though, I just finished watching it, so I can at least fill you in on some of what you've missed.

Our story begins, like many action movies, on the loading docks. Our hero Chuck Norris and his partner are on a stakeout, looking for suspicious activity. During their investigation a drug smuggling operation is discovered, some guys get their asses kicked (courtesy of Mr. Norris) and our hero is betrayed by his partner. Later, at the hospital, our hero is recuperating after multiple life-saving operations. Since, as we all know, Chuck Norris cannot be killed, not even after being shot multiple times, then falling out of a building on to a station wagon. Chuck Norris' boss decides that as far as the public is concerned, our hero died in the line of duty.

Flash forward three years to the bustling metropolis of Seattle. We're introduced to the crime syndicate run by one Marco Luganni (played by Al Waxman, which is the first clue among many that tells us that this movie was filmed primarily in Canada). After some tough guy back-and-forth, we learn that Luganni's new number-one-guy is Chuck Norris. That's right kids, after survivng a near fatal shooting, it only took Chuck three years to become second in command of one of the west coast's biggest crime families. But don't worry kids, Chuck didn't go bad, our mulleted man-of-action is actually deep undercover trying to put an end to Luganni's gang of Italian-American stereotypes, their French Canadian competition (who are from Vancouver), and a group of Iranians who are somehow in the middle of everything.

I don't want to give everything away, but there's plenty of action, a bizarre love interest, a few roundhouse kicks and a tender subplot wherein Chuck helps an underprivileged kid stand up to the neighborhood bullies who chase him home from school everyday. Action, romance, and racial sensitivity, all of which you would expect from a Chuck Norris movie.


Fairbanks said...

the chuckman rocks!!(and i dont mean that fucked up chuck who has problems turning the stove off)

Shauna said...

one of my warmest memories of the flop house... finding that someone was nice enough (or concerned enough about burning to death in their sleep) to put that "no no no no no" tape across the broken stove-top burner knob. ah, chuck. so endearingly absentminded...