"Me, I Want A Hula Hoop"

It's only just the beginning of December and Christmas music is already all over the radio. Now, I don't mean to shit on all Christmas music, but I think we can all agree that 99% of the yuletide tunes out there suck big time. So in the spirit of not being a total grinch this year, I present my top five Christmas songs.

5. Brenda Lee - Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree
I love the guitar on this track. Now, you might not immediately know what song I'm talking about here, but trust me, you know this song. Just think of any Christmas-y type movie made in the last fifteen years or so. This is usually the song playing during the traditional of montage of holiday hijinks.

4. The Chipmunks - The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)
Sure, it's a novelty song, but just try and deny that you know every lyric by heart. I suspect that every parent has a deep seeded hatred for not just this track, but the whole Chipmunks phenomenon. Though I feel bad for kids growing up with the Chipmunks these days, because they'll never know the childish joy of listening to the old LPs. When you're a kid, the only thing that's more fun that listening to the Chipmunks is listening to them at various unintended speeds on your record player. If you play this track at 78 rpm and you're bound to give someone a seizure.

3. The Beach Boys - Little Saint Nick
I think the Beach Boys are part of my musical DNA. Both my first casette and CD were Beach Boys collections. When they come out with music in neural implant form, I'll be sure to pick up Pet Sounds before anything else. Now, I like this track for a variety of reasons (not just because I think there's a hidden satanic message in it). Back in their heyday, the Boys put out several albums a year. So you can just picture a scenario wherein Brian Wilson and the gang are sitting around some big conference table with the execs from Capital Records. "Um, Brian, we love all these surf tracks, but, uh.... Do you think you could make a Christmas album?"

2. Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmas Time
Paul is probably my favorite living Beatle (sorry Ringo), mostly because his post-Beatles material is the only stuff I can stand. Now, I have no idea when this track came out or what was Paul's motivation for making a Christmas song with probably the single most bizarre synth riff you've ever heard, but it's still one hell of a good Christmas song. Expect to hear this on the radio and in the shopping malls aproximately 4000 times before December 25th.

1. Run DMC - Christmas In Hollis
As if there was any doubt that this track would be number one on my list. If you haven't heard this song, download it NOW. It is the only Christmas song you will need to hear this year. Just imagine a vintage mid-to-late-80s rap song complete with Christmas samples. The Reverend Run starts it all off by telling the story of how he found Santa's wallet and returned it to him, only to receive a fat wad of cash for his good natured efforts. After that DMC schools us all on what a proper Christmas in Hollis entails. Complete with a list of all the fine foods that Mom will be cooking for the big festive meal.

And since it's just not enough to tell you how great a song this is, I present the vintage video for Christmas in Hollis: