"Yippee-ki-yay, Motherfucker."

It's been almost three weeks since my last post, so I'm going to try and recap everything that has happened as best as I can.

Part I - Christmas in Chester
It was a good Christmas this year at the old family homestead. My parents were there and my sister and her husband flew in from Ontario. To get myself in the Christmas spirit this year I tried to watch as many movies that were somewhat Christmas oriented. This meant watching the Die Hard trilogy, Elf and Scrooged. But for good measure, my father and I watched The Godfather Part II.

As far as gifts went, I made out pretty good this year: a new stereo, some CDs, some DVDs, and a Trailer Park Boys t-shirt. I also got some Christmas cash which I parlayed into some choice DVDs during all the Boxing Week madness sales. Nothing says tidings of comfort and joy quite like fighting your way through the crowds at Wal-Mart on Dec. 27th.

I managed to see my friends a lot over Christmas, which was nice. There were a few house parties and trips to the local tavern. One interesting thing that happened to me actually occured on the night of the 25th. I met up with some friends for a few drinks, a walk and some heavy conversation. It was on our way home that we were passed in the street by a local motorist. As the driver passed us, they leaned out their window and yelled, "Pricks!" I had to laugh. It was Christmas day's night (I think you know what I mean by that) and I got called a prick from someone in a passing car. Baby Jesus would be so proud.

Part II - New Year's in Moncton
All the hubbub this year indicated that everyone here in town was going to take it easy on New Year's Eve so they go all out on Levy Day (aka New Year's Day). So, when I got wind that some of my New Brunswick peeps were getting together in Moncton, I thought, "why the hell not." It was a fun time, mostly because I got see some friends that I haven't seen in almost six months.

We ended up going to a party in the suburbs. Our hosts were a young, yuppie-ish married couple. It was kinda weird because I only knew the people I had gone to the party with. Thankfully, my friends know how to have a good time, even in situations where we're the odd ones out. The big countdown culminated with two of my friends having a champagne fight on the balcony. Good times.

But what's a trip to Moncton without shopping? I managed to pick up a few more sweet DVDs, some used books, some Star Wars Pez dispensers, and some cool records courtesy of Spin-It Records. What records, you say? Well, I'll tell you:

Elvis Costello - King of America (LP)
Eric's Trip - Julie And The Porthole To Dimentia (7")
Glenn Danzig - Who Killed Marilyn? (7")
Sex Pistols - Regular S.F. Ippies & Assorted Longhairs (7")
Talking Heads - Blind (12" Single)

Part III - Whitey
I've had a few people ask me about Whitey lately, so I thought I'd bring you all up to speed. In the last few months, Whitey has become a regular fixture around here. He comes to the house at least twice a day for food and scratching. My father feeds him breakfast every morning and I feed him again around dinner time. Whitey lets us pet him and comes willingly into the house when we let him (something that drives my mother crazy).

We recently learned that Whitey is at least seven or eight years old. Whitey's real name was Snowball and he belonged to a family living not far from my parent's house. It would seem that Whitey and the family came to be at odds over the years and now they have kicked him (or her, we still don't know) out of their home. We suspect Whitey was abused by his previous owners. Thankfully, Whitey has warmed up to my family and we continue to show him more attention and affection than your average stray/disowned pet would likely receive.

Part IV - How to become a Minor Media Celebrity in your own Mind
Not long ago, I briefly mentioned that I was published in the local paper. It was a letter to the editor in regards to a poorly written article on music downloading. I had to say that I was quite pleased when my letter got published. I even felt like a minor media celebrity after people started asking me about the letter.

It was two weeks later when my letter received a response in the same letter to the editor section. My responder didn't understand the point of my letter and chose to suggest that I was simply an aging headbanger who was upset that someone had wronged Metallica (whom, the writer suggested, must be my favorite band). For the record, I would like to state that I am not now nor have I ever been a Metallica fan.

After reading the response letter I went through a variety of emotions. I was shocked, I was pissed, I was curious, I was offended, I was amused, I felt a little gassy, and finally I considered revenge. Not violent revenge, but literary revenge. I must have written at least three drafts of my response letter before I decided to just let it go. I guess in the end, my petty squabbling with bad teenage writers at the Chester Clipper had to stop somewhere. I decided to be the bigger man and drop the whole thing. It was just as I suggested with the original title of my letter, kids say the darndest things.

Christmas Shopping, Child Labor, Letters To The Editor, & The "Merry Christmas Satan" Conspiracy

Eins I'm done my Christmas shopping, thank God. Last week I did a stint in Halifax and another stint in Bridgewater. And yes, I know I keep bitching about how much I hate Bridgewater, but when you live where I do, your shopping options are limited. I'm just glad it's all over with, I'd hate to have some shopping left to do this close to Christmas.

Zwei Maybe I'm the only one who sees this, but is everyone working at Zellers/Wal-Mart either under 16 or over 60? I know Wal-Mart makes it a point to hire the (for the lack of a better word) elderly, but they also hire a lot of punk ass kids too. The 16 year old kid behind the counter at Wal-Mart's video section in Bridgewater kept calling me sir. I'm 24, for God's sake. And I don't think someone who is buying an armload of kung fu DVDs qualifies as a 'sir.' Now while it is true that I have all the necessary equipment for such a title, I'm hardly distinguished enough to warrant being addressed as such.

Drei I've said it before and I'll say it again, I love the Police Academy movies. When I hit Zellers last week I found a cheapo double sided DVD with Police Academy 2 and 3 on it. So I made and effort this past week to watch both movies. Fellow Police Academy aficionados will note that these particular movies in the series were the only ones to feature Art Metrano as Lt./Cmndt. Mauser, the bad guy/fall guy/foil to Steve Guttenberg and his whacky band of co-horts. All other movies in the series featured G.W. Bailey as the belovedly hated Capt. Thaddeus Harris. And if anyone other than me is still reading this now I've written all that, I'll be surprised.

Vier My letter to the editor of the Chester Clipper did in fact get published in this week's copy of the paper. I'll try to get a scan of it here on the site in the next week or so. I've already had two people stop me to talk about it. Yay for me.

Fünf I don't know if anyone else has noticed this one either, but I keep hearing "Little Saint Nick" by the Beach Boys everywhere I go. It was on the PA at Zellers, it's on the radio and it's even in one of the newer holiday themed Coca-Cola commercials. The only reason I bring it up, besides the fact that I am a Beach Boys fan, is that the lyrics sound like the Boys are singing "Merry Christmas Satan." Now, I checked around for the real lyrics and nothing I've seen would suggest that this is somehow a Satanic Christmas song. But every time I hear it, whether on TV or in a packed department store, I can't help singing "Merry Christmas Satan" during the chorus. I urge you all to find and listen to this song and tell me whether or not you hear them singing "Merry Christmas Satan."

Sechs I'm like this close to 1000 hits. I hope to break that mark before the new year. Here's mud in your eye.

Super Happy Fantabulous Bonus Stuff

First off is an older clip of Siskel & Ebert fighting. I guess those guys didn't really like each other too much. Ebert comes off like a total douchebag. Hilarious stuff. (This Link No Longer Works)

Secondly, since apparently nothing says world peace like Smurf genocide, a Unicef commercial where so many of your favorite childhood characters are killed by falling bombs. The people behind Unicef are sick bastards. Warning: this European ad may upset those who still love all things Smurf.

And finally, a funny music video making fun of Emo kids. If you hate Emo kids, you'll love this clip. Enjoy.

"You Got To Know When To Hold ’Em, Know When To Fold ’Em."

After waiting and waiting, I finally got to play some poker this week. I got the call last Wednesday night for a Texas Hold 'Em session. This was my first real opportunity to sit down with some people and play poker in more than a year. Lately, in an attempt to quench my thirst for poker, I tried playing online. But, it doesn't quite do it for me playing the game that way. It's just better when you're face to face with your fellow players. There's something about the ability to feel the chips in your hand and to sing "The Gambler" to a player who absent-mindedly counts their chips in the middle of the game.

Back when I was living in Fredericton, I would refer to playing poker as "Operation: Take Steve's Money." This referred to Steve, one of our usuals around the poker table. Steve and I got along alright, but we weren't exactly friends. He had a habit of telling stories about himself, how much money he had, the great places he had been, etc. But the one thing I liked about Steve was taking his money. To me there was no sweeter sound than sweeping up Steve's chips after he blabbed on and on about his backpacking trip through Europe.

So, I was pretty stoked to play when the call came through. But since I had never played with this group of guys before, I was playing on the defensive. I didn't want to give away any "tells" and I was also trying to make up for being anything but a pro at Texas Hold 'Em. I figured I'd keep them guessing and that way I'd probably get invited back for another game. While I was a little disappointed with my performance, the game lasted around five hours and everyone involved had a good time. In the end I only lost seven dollars, so I felt pretty good about the whole thing.

BONUS BONANZA

The first two links are to some funny phone calls. Having worked previously at a call centre, I'm quite familiar with the types of people making these calls.

Call One is from an older woman trying to buy a computer. This would normally be a difficult enough process for the uninitiated, but it also seems she had been getting the run around from an automated phone system for awhile before leaving this voicemail. My favorite part is when she starts bitching about the "younger generation."

Call Two is from some woman who thinks 911 can help her with her taco situation. She keeps calling the male operator "bitch" and screaming for assistance with her taco. One of the operator's first questions to her is "are you drunk?" I can't decide which is funnier/scarier though, the woman on the line or the tone of the 911 operator. Either way, this call must be heard to be believed.

And now for the piece de resistance, a clip from the 1972 Bruce Lee classic Return of the Dragon. This clip contains the epic battle between Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris, that's right Chuck freakin' Norris. In this clip, our two heros throw down in the ruins of the Roman Colosseum. Now, I will warn you that the video contained in this link is pretty choppy, but you'll at least get a glimpse of the greatness that is Bruce Lee vs Chuck Norris. Oh, and just in case you were wondering, Chuck totally throws down some amazing roundhouse kicks.

No Line For Walk The Line

I went on an impromptu trip to the movies last Thursday night. Some friends and I saw the new Johnny Cash biopic Walk the Line. Now, I've been a casual fan of Johnny Cash for a number of years now. I'm no fan of country music, but to me Johnny Cash has always been one of those artists capable of transcending genres. So, I was more or less eager to see Walk the Line. This did unfortunately mean that I had to go to Bridgewater, one of my most hated of places. But I put such hatred aside for a few hours for one of my more loved of activities, going to the movies.

Bridgewater recently built a new multiplex near their impossibly shitty mall. This came a number of years after they closed their last multiplex, which was located inside an impossibly shitty mall (oddly enough, I'm talking about two different malls). I was expecting a crowd, it being cheap night and all, but I was somewhat pleased that there was virtually no one there and as my title suggested there was no line for Walk the Line. Such mild pleasure was soon sullied upon finding out that a box of Milk Duds and a coke cost about as much as my ticket did.

As for the movie itself, it was pretty good. The acting was fine and whatnot. The singing was also fine. Reese Witherspoon really surprised me, as I have never really cared for her in any movie I've seen her in. My one problem with Walk the Line though was that it was a bit too long. The movie was about two hours and fifteen minutes long and you could really start to feel it after about an hour and a half. Now, knowing what little I know about Johhny Cash's life, I knew going in that this was not a story that could easily be wrapped up in ninety minutes. And even with the time they had, they only covered a portion of his life and accomplishments, which was a little disappointing. But, I still maintain that Walk the Line was a smidgeon too long.

Now I wouldn't let my minor nitpicking dissuade you from seeing Walk the Line, if you haven't already seen it. In this dismal year of movies we've had, Walk the Line is a refreshing change from artsy crap and brainless popcorn movies. Casual fans and hardcore Cash fanatics will all find something to enjoy in this movie. Even if you don't really know anything about Johnny Cash, you should probably see this movie. Even if your only exposure to Johnny Cash's music comes from having drunkenly sang "Ring of Fire" at somebody's house party, you should probably see this movie.

"There's Someone On The Wing!"

Eenie I went Christmas shopping last night. I made the mistake of thinking I was going to find what I was looking for in, of all places, Bridgewater. My first stop was Zellers. I don't know if you've been in a Zellers store lately, my guess is you haven't, because it is a depressing thing to behold. I remember when I was a kid in the '80s and Zellers was like the holy mecca of department stores. Nowadays, it is a commercial wasteland. The stores are virtually devoid of customers and those few people who still haunt the aisles seem to be at the intellectual level just above common household grime.

Meenie The second stop on my ill-fated shopping trip was Wal-Mart. I hate Wal-Mart, but as I have said many times before, I cannot argue with their deals. I got a copy of Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai for $2.50, I'm no economist but that is one hell of a good deal. They had Kung Fu DVDs for $1.48 a piece, I bought at least three. So, while I failed in buying anything I was looking for in regards to presents for other people, I did manage to spend a few bucks on myself. That might make me a bad person, but at least I'll be able to watch Blood of the Dragon on some cold winter afternoon.

Miney I must say though, that the best purchase I selfishly made for myself last night was a Twilight Zone DVD featuring the Shatnerific episode "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet." This has to be my favorite episode of the Twilight Zone. It features a young Shatner (circa 1963) boarding a plane with his wife after he was released from a sanitarium. During the flight, Shatner becomes convinced that there is a gremlin on the wing that is trying to sabotage the flight. Unfortunately for our hero, no one else can see the gremlin and he is repeatedly regarded as a lunatic by his fellow travelers. It's a great episode. It was redone for the Twilight Zone movie that came out in the '80s, with John Lithgow playing Shatner's part. Simpsons fans might recall a segment from Treehouse of Horror IV called "Terror at 5 1/2 Feet," which was essentially a remake of this classic Twilight Zone episode.

Mo Finally, I just wanted to mention that for the first time ever, I have taken it upon myself to write a letter to the editor of my local paper, the Chester Clipper. I'm not sure if they'll publish it. Time will tell, I suppose. But fear not, faithful blog readers, if I am published I will tell you all about it.

South Park, The Black Pearl & That Crazy Woman Everyone Is Talking About

1. Over the last few days I've been catching up on the new season of South Park. We never get the new episodes until they're a few months old, but with the help of the net, I can at least try to keep up. This season has to be even crazier than the last one. In the first episode alone Mr. Garrison gets a sex change, Kyle becomes a tall, black kid and his father has surgery in order to become a dolphin. There was also a great anti-hippie episode and an episode on Scientology ("Tom Cruise, why won't you come out of the closet?"). Some of the racial humor seems to really be pushing the boundaries of what is tasteful/necessary, but other than that it is all good.

B) I had a great weekend. I call it a weekend but it really started on Thursday night for me. After having a few drinks with some friends, we went to a bar in Western Shore called the Black Pearl. Now, I'm not much of a bar person so you have to understand that I went to this bar under mild protest. We thankfully arrived about 30 to 45 minutes before last call, so I didn't have to deal with the place that long. I hesitate calling it a "hick bar," but if you've ever been to a rural Canadian kick-and-punch you know what I'm talking about. It was karaoke night, which meant everyone was belting out there favorite country music songs. What I thought was funny though was that the first song that came blaring over the PA after the karaoke was over was "Ain't nuthin' but a G thang." Go figure.

III Let me first say that, as a general rule, I don't watch reality TV shows. But over the last week or so I kept hearing about this crazy woman who was on Trading Spouses. I put it off, thinking that just about anyone who would agree to be on such a show must be a little unhinged. Then I saw this clip. At first I thought, "wow, that woman is seriously crazy, but maybe the family she was with were like total devil worshippers or something." It's always been my opinion that reality TV shows do little more than show us how little people can stand and tolerate each other. So, I actually watched the episodes that lead up to the infamous meltdown clip. I couldn't get over what a messed up religous zealot this woman was. The family they put her with were no more than new age hippies. Now, I don't like hippies, but they did seem like generally nice hippies. The zealot woman was just so warped I couldn't get over it. She honestly believed that God had been nailed to a cross. Last time I checked (and I will admit, it's been awhile) God and Jesus were supposed to be two seperate people.

I had had a long conversation/debate with some friends over the weekend about religion. I had been defending religion to some of my friends. (Incidentally, I won the debate with an analogy that culminated with me saying, "you can't get KFC without the Colonel on the bucket." Make your own assumptions as to how I managed to work that into the converstaion.) But now, I feel kinda bad for trying to put a positive spin on religion. I still maintain that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, but it's crazy people like her that make religion look bad. I mean that woman was/is seriously fucking bonkers. And thankfully, I'm not the only one who thinks that. Google "trading spouses crazy woman" and you'll find at least a dozen or more blogs and articles about this whacko. There is even an mp3 out there that uses a few of her choice soudbites, it's the "Picard Rap" of religious fanaticism. (Right click and select "save target as" to get the MP3)

"My Heart's As Warm As A Baked Potato."

Good News Mine eyes have seen the glory that is Cannibal! The Musical. This was Trey Parker's first full-length feature from 1996, brought to us by (who else but) Troma. God bless you Lloyd Kaufman. Cannibal! The Musical tells the story of Colorado's most famous cannibal, Alferd Packer. It's the kind of movie that only Trey Parker could have made and it's damn funny. I've been trying to find this movie ever since I saw a trailer for it on a copy of the director's cut of Surf Nazis Must Die. So, if you liked Orgazmo or Team America, you should definitley check out Cannibal! The Musical.

Bad News It looks like they're going to cancel Arrested Development. I guess Fox needs to make room for more When Animals Attack! and Celebrity Boxing specials. It's a damn shame too, Arrested Development is the smartest live action show that's been on TV in years. There are internet petitions out there trying to save the show, though it's debatable how serious those things are taken. So, watch it while you can. Get your Bluth fix in before it's too late.

Outwitted By Whitey

Pictured above is the stray cat that comes to my house, whom I have named Whitey (for obvious reasons). He/she/it's been coming to the house for the past few months and only recently has become tame enough to let me get near it. So last night I happened to look out on the back porch and notice Whitey there staring up at me. I assumed Whitey was hungry so I put a little food out in a dish for he/she/it. But no, Whitey just stared back at me like I was crazy. So thinking Whitey might be lonely, I pet he/she/it for a minute before going back inside. As I'm closing the door Whitey runs up like he/she/it wants to come in. So I open the door and Whitey turns around and walks away. I then go to close the door a second time and he/she/it does it again. Now, I've always known cats were more fee-spirited than dogs, but I'm pretty sure that Whitey was fucking with me. I'd have been pissed if Whitey wasn't so cute.

I happened to be pretty hung over yesterday so all I could do was watch movies, consume copious amounts of liquids and pop acetaminophen. I started off by watching SLC Punk!, a movie I love more and more every time I see it. I always say if you're going to do a movie about punk rockers, you have to get the music right. After I finished that I thought I should watch a movie that I've been wanting to see for a long time, that being Eraserhead. Going into this movie, I honestly didn't know what to expect. And what I saw confused the shit out of me. I can't being to tell you what it's about and I'm not sure that anyone could. What I can say is that it is one of the weirdest movies I have ever seen. Now, I've seen a couple of David Lynch's other movies, I thought Blue Velvet and Mulholland Dr. were particularly good, so I kinda knew what I was getting into. But this movie out-weirded anything I had seen before. All in all, my Eraserhead experience boils down to this: am I glad I watched it? Yes. Did I understand it? No. Will I watch it again? I doubt it. Should you watch it? At least once.

"And How Did You Feel, Being Denied These Hungry, Hungry Hippos?"

Last night I watched the director's cut of Donnie Darko. For the most part the director's cut didn't add a lot to the movie. There were a few new scenes, some passages from "The Philosophy of Time Travel," some altered dialogue, some new cut scenes, some changes to the audio mix, and (unfortunately) a few changes to the soundtrack. Overall, I was disappointed with the director's cut. The deleted scenes didn't really add a lot to the story and the new cut scenes that were inserted whenever Frank appeared seemed a bit too Matrix-y for my taste (seeing as I hate The Matrix and the influence it's had on newer movies). But the main reason why I didn't like the director's cut, and yes it may seem a little picky, is that they changed the opening song from Echo and the Bunnymen's "The Killing Moon" to INXS's "Never Tear Us Apart." I fucking hate INXS. Plus the Echo and the Bunnymen track just fit the opening so well. Now, if you were a fan of the original version, I do recommend watching the director's cut, just so you can say you've seen it. Maybe you'll like it, maybe you won't. But I don't recommend getting rid of your old copy and trading up for the new DVD.

Bonus Fun Links

First off is a hilarious video. This was taken from a foreign talk show (possibly Swedish), where the host tries to hold back his laughter over a guest's funny voice. I have no idea what they're talking about, so it might actually be quite cruel of the host to laugh, but since I have no idea I think it's hilarious. Crank up your speakers and check it out while it's still available. Click here to watch.

Secondly, is an article written by some guy who claims to have met Mr. T at a Starbucks. Whether this happened or not isn't really important. What is worth noting though is that the guy wasted such an amazing opportunity by asking Mr. T the world's dumbest question. Click here to read the article.

Odds & Ends

1. I recently tried to write a little something about how I came to be in possession of an American flag bearing the likeness of John Wayne. After three or four attempts and more than an hour of staring blankly at my computer screen, I gave up. But in the interest of anyone reading my blog (whoever you are, you magnificent bastards) I thought you should at least get an opportunity to see this bizarre piece of western memorabilia. I apologize for the less than stellar quality of the pic, but I'm not exactly a professional photographer.

2. I was in the local dollar store not too long ago when I heard something pretty bewildering. I was scouring the aisles for ten year old comic books and 58 cent Kit Kat bars, when I hear a voice from a few aisles over, "How much is this?" A few seconds passed and then a baffled cashier replied, "A dollar." I had to stop for a second and make sure I wasn't crazy or drunk. I was sober and I have yet to be declared mentally incompetent. So what I want to know is whether the woman was totally foreign to the concept of a dollar store or had she entered the store without knowing where she was. I mean, dollar stores are hardly a new concept and this particular store has been in town for a number of years. It's virtually impossible to even approach said store without noticing the vast array of signage indicating that you were in fact at a "dollar store" and everything did indeed cost a dollar. Whatever the reason may be, I can only pray that this woman does not have children.

3. I urge you all to see The Searchers, a movie that has only recently come to be among the greatest movies I have ever seen. Not just a great western but a great movie. John Wayne shows that he can actually act and not just be a larger than life screen presence. The supporting cast is also amazing, featuring a number of members of John Ford's stock company. And never has the west looked so good. John Ford's depiction of Texas, while actually being filmed in Utah, makes me pine for horse trails and wide open spaces.

4. I watched Land of the Dead the other night and I'm officially getting old because I whole time I was watching it I kept thinking that it was just too gory. When I was a teenager there was the 3B code for horror movies: blood, boobs, and more blood (or any combination thereof). But there were a few times watching this movie where I winced at the gore factor. As for the movie itself, it was alright. Personally I think it's sacrilege to complain about a Romero zombie movie but I will say that this movie didn't live up to his other masterpieces. In my opinion Night of the Living Dead will always be the standard to which all other zombie movies are compared. So, if you're in the mood to watch a great zombie movie watch "Night," if you're in the mood to watch a decent zombie movie you haven't seen, watch "Land."

"Good Grief."

Halloween is officially over. I tried to make the best of it. I even handed out candy to the little trick-or-treaters of my community. Greedy little brats. Some kids barely even put the effort into their costumes. One kid just put on a Darth Vader helmet long enough for me to throw a can of expired Mountain Dew Energy into his grocery bag. (Yes, Jared, if you're reading this, that's what we did with the case of free pop.) The darn kid didn't have a cape or a lightsaber, he wasn't even wearing black. What's wrong with this generation?

To keep up with the spirit of the season, I watched It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown this afternoon. I hadn't seen it since I was a kid and I almost didn't watch it today. But, I'm certainly glad I did. I'm sure I don't need to explain how awesome it was. You've probably seen it countless times as well. I will say that I felt bad for Charlie Brown though, not for the typical football gag, but because all he got trick-or-treating was a bad full of rocks. I'd have thrown those rocks back at those lousy sons-a-bitches, but I was an angry kid.

If you haven't seen this already, I have another gem from the Onion's AV Club. Click here for some pics of characters from the original Dawn Of The Dead in yarn-form. Pretty neat.

When Worlds Collide

I never knew that two of my all time favorite movie stars, Lee Van Cleef and Dick Miller, had ever shared the screen together. But thanks to my most current obsession, Mystery Science Theater 3000, this fact became known to me. It was in 1956 that these two giants of the silver screen would be brought together by Roger Corman (who else?) for a movie entitled It Conquered The World. A movie wherein Van Cleef and Miller come to do battle with a most heinous monster from Venus. B-movie enthusiasts and trivia sticklers may object to my reveling in the combination of these two actors, since they are only on screen together for a few moments. But what glorious moments they are. Above is a picture of the dastardly monster that threatened our heros and below is a picture of them together, before they faced said monster.



Thank you Roger Corman. Thank you for bringing together two of the best damn actors who ever lived. And thank you MST3K, for allowing me to see their union.

"Fox Knows How To Put A Shine On A Rotting Chicken Corpse."

The best show on TV right now (after The Daily Show, CSI, South Park, The Simpsons, Family Guy and reruns of The Real Ghostbusters) has got to be The Colbert Report. And by "on TV" I mean downloadable from the internet. I can't watch The Colbert Report on an actual television because I don't get Comedy Central, but thanks to all the good internet pirates out there I haven't missed an episode yet. The show has just wrapped up its first week of episodes and I must say, so far so good. Many a good laugh was had and Thursday's episode had cameos from Lisa Loeb and David Cross. Stay strong Colbert, I'm rooting for you from the comfort of my parent's basement.

So Long Sweet Chucks

R.I.P. Black High-Top Chucks 2003-2005 "We Hardly Knew Ye."

It's a sad day for me. I'm sending my pair of sweet chucks to the great shoe bin in the sky, aka footwear heaven. They were good shoes. Sure, they offered no arch supoort. They hurt my feet. They started to fall apart almost hours after I first put them on. And they smelled like month-old goat cheese kept under a bridge. But damn it, they were good shoes. I'll miss you chucks. Say hello to sneaker Jesus for me.

And now the Western Roundup...

In case you were worried that I haven't been watching far too many movies as of late, I present a quick run down of some recent western viewings.

My Darling Clementine. John Ford's adaptation of the legend of Wyatt Earp and the gunfight at the O.K. Corral. They say that this is probably the least historically accurate telling of the events but really, who cares? John Ford is one of the all-time greatest western directors and this movie is quite good. It stars Henry Fonda, Victor Mature, John Ireland, Walter Brennan, Tim Holt, and a woman named Chihuahua.

Rio Grande. Another John Ford movie, this one starring John Wayne. There isn't much of a story to this movie, but it has awesome scenery and quite a few good jokes (and yes, people could be funny in 1950). But at the same time, not even the Leonard Maltin featurette can make up for the multitude of musical numbers in the movie care of the "Sons of the Pioneers."

My Name Is Nobody. Essentially the Three Stooges version of a spaghetti western. This unfortunately would be the last western that Sergio Leone attached his name to. Not even Henry Fonda could save this movie. Bad jokes and bad dubbing abound.

Hang 'Em High. This has got to be on of my all-time favorites. Clint Eastwood and Pat Hingle take on cattle rustlers, murderers, drunks and one giant Swede. You can see seventies Clint yearning to break free, but he still brings a taste of sixties-spaghetti western Clint to the table.

And finally, Django. I had really high expectations for this movie, which might be why I wasn't totally thrilled with it. Sergio Corbucci (the other Sergio) weighed in with his adaptation/pseudo-ripoff of Kurosawa's immortal Yojimbo, much like Leone did with his masterpiece Fistful of Dollars. But Corbucci is no Leone and most definitely no Kurosawa. This movie is always hyped for it's violence, but it definitely got outdone in that department when The Wild Bunch came out three years later. Django does have a lot going for it, but it's not quite all it's made out to be. Spaghetti western enthusiasts will enjoy it, but your casual western fan doesn't really need to seek it out.

"Who You Gonna Call?"

The whole reason I wanted to post today was to talk about The Real Ghostbusters cartoon. Nearly every year Teletoon has a thirteen day countdown to Halloween, in which they try and show as many Halloween related programs as possible, or so they claim. Thankfully, part of that tradition means dusting off a few episodes of The Real Ghostbusters. I remember being totally obsessed with the show as a young lad. I was in the right age demographic and I must have seen the movie fifty times or more before first grade. Every day after school I would watch an episode of the show that my parent's lovingly taped for me while I was at school. As I recall, it came on at noon followed by Fun House.

I still love the show, even as a semi-adult. As an indication of my obsession/devotion to all things Ghostbusters, I recently got BearShare just so I could get episodes of the show. In two days I've downloaded more than forty episodes. At night I secretly pray for a DVD release of the show, but I fear it may never happen. And while BearShare is a pretty shitty P2P program, it's worth it just to know there are other geeks like me out there trading episodes of Ghostbusters.

I also downloaded the Garfield Halloween Special. I can't remember the last time it was on TV. Maybe kids today don't appreciate Garfield the way kids did in the eighties. Damn kids today with their B-daman and their cell phones and their fundamentalist Christian values. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Garfield. It's a great Halloween special filled with ghosts, pirates and freaky old people. I suggest taking the time to find it and check it out. I know it used to scare the crap out of me as a child.

Son Of Knight Rider

I was flipping through the movie channels on the satellite dish the other night and I happened to catch a few minutes of To Live And Die In L.A. I almost laughed my balls off when I saw William L. Petersen. Granted the movie is twenty years old, but man it was like seeing a clone of David Hasselhoff. Since I'm a big fan of CSI (the Las Vegas one, not one of the spinoffs), included here is a comparison of William L. Peterson during the To Live And Die In L.A. era and David Hasselhoff during the Knight Rider era. Note the creepy similarities.




Separated at birth or the product of genetic cloning? You tell me.

And finally on a completely unrelated note, I saw this on the Onion's A.V. Club webpage and I wanted to link it here in case anyone was interested. It's a link to a page containing some Mickey Mouse comic strips from the 30s in which Mickey contemplates commiting suicide. Damn, it is messed up. So click here if that sounds like your kinda thing.

"That's An Insult To Both Of Us. It Makes Me Stupid And You A Whore."

I thought I was the only person in the world who enjoyed watching Chuck Norris movies, thankfully I have some equally crazy friends. Not long ago, I was at a party talking shit with a friend when he told me that was a Chuck Norris fan. So, I had to ask him if he'd seen The Octagon. He hadn't, which is no surprise really, so I launched into my pro-Octagon spiel. "Ok, imagine it's 1980 and Chuck Norris goes up against a group of terrorist ninjas in a training facility shaped like an octagon. Oh yeah, and Lee Van Cleef is in it too." Normally, such a description would be met with a blank stare and then I would be asked to leave the party. But, I knew I was in good company, because not only was my friend intrigued but he suggested that we should get together for a screening of The Octagon. And so we did.

I won't get into a lengthy review of the movie, because really what's the point? If my description hasn't already told you all you need to know, then this movie isn't for you. I will however share with you a thing or two that I learned from watching The Octagon.

1) Despite claiming to be masters of illusion and camoflage, ninjas are incredibly easy to spot. As they generally wear entirely black outfits in broad daylight. They are also prone to hiding in trees with no leaves.

2) Trap doors and sliding doors are all operated manually.

3) Chuck Norris' inner monologue is a much better actor than Chuck Norris himself.

4) Chuck Norris' nipples (CNN) get far too much screen time than should be allowed by law. Despite being one hairy SOB, Chuck has no qualms about going shirtless and giving everyone a long look at some CNN.

5) Terrorist training facilities are incredibly well lit, even at night. Though, night only seems to last about 30 minutes.

I hope this helps all of you. If I can educate just one person out there, then I did not sit through The Octagon in vain.

Burt Lancaster VS Burt Reynolds

Somehow over the Thanksgiving weekend (Canadian Thanksgiving, bitches) I managed to watch two Burt Lancaster movies and three Burt Reynolds movies. I had not intended to do so, it just kinda happened. So now, dear readers, I present to you the epic battle of the Burt's....

In this corner, from New York City, Burt "The Master" Lancaster.

First up, Lawman. I can thank the discount rack at Wal-mart for bringing me this movie. I can always seem to justify dropping ten bucks on a DVD when I'm staring at a discount rack. Whether or not this was a smart decision in the case of Lawman, well the jury is still out on that one. I liked it but not too much. It definitely is a post-Leone western, you can smell a hint of spaghetti in there. Also, in one of the first shootouts there is a significant spurt of blood that is obviously thanks to being made in the post-Wild Bunch era. Lovers of movie violence owe Peckinpah a great deal of gratitude.

Secondly, Gunfight At The O.K. Corral. After reading the back of the DVD case, I knew there was no way I wouldn't enjoy this movie. It's an entertaining adaptation of the Wyatt Earp/Doc Holiday folklore, more entertaining than the more recent adaptations of these characters/historical figures. It has an amazing cast: Lancaster, Kirk Douglas, a young ass Dennis Hopper, DeForest Kelley and Lee Van Cleef (Hell Yeah!). Plus, there is just something great about hearing Kirk Douglas call his girlfriend a slut in a movie that was made in the fifties.

And in this corner from Waycross, Georgia, Burt "I Was Bangin' Loni Anderson Back In The day" Reynolds.

I said three movies, but really only one in its entirety. Namely, The Longest Yard. I have never seen the original and I honestly never thought I would see this one either. It would probably be legally irresponsible of me to suggest that you pirate this movie (and in case the MPAA is reading this, I rented it and I have witnesses) but what I do suggest is that you shouldn't pay for the opportunity to see it. Convince a friend to rent it for you. While it doesn't suck, I actually laughed several times throughout, it is a no-brainer. You will not have to think at all while watching this movie, in fact if you do think you risk ruining it for yourself. On the positive side there are many good gags and "celebrity" appearances in this movie. Lots of wrestlers and former NFLers (or so I'm told), plus never have I seen Courtney Cox with such ample cleavage. But for a better and funnier football movie I suggest another Adam Sandler vehicle The Waterboy.

Other Burt Reynolds appearances this past weekend came in the form of catching the last halves of 100 Rifles and Smokey and the Bandit. I will refrain from commenting on 100 Rifles because I didn't see enough of it to really understand what was going on or what it was about. As for Smokey and the Bandit, if it weren't for Jackie Gleason's performance as Sheriff Buford T. Justice I would have to go into an amazingly long rant about how this is the worst movie in existence and a how it is a showcase for everything that was horrible about America in the seventies.

Buford to Junior: There is no way, no way that you came from my loins. The first thing I'm gonna do when I get home is punch your momma in the mouth. Normally I would consider such talk of spousal abuse wrong, but coming from Jackie Gleason you can't help but love it.

And the winner by a knockout is Burt "The Master" Lancaster.

"There Are No Demigods, You Fucking Pagan!"

So I was watching The Sting the other night for the first time and the whole time I'm watching it, I keep trying to figure out where I recognize Ray Walston from. Finally it dawns on me that not only was he Mr. Hand in the unforgettable Fast Times At Ridgemont High but he was also Pops in the mostly forgettable Ski Patrol. This got me thinking about how I personally hate skiing but I do enjoy ski related comedies. So, I tried to come up with a top five list of my favorite ski comedies, but I couldn't. There just aren't five movies that I like that fit in that category, at least not that come to mind. So, I was forced to compromise...

Quammy's Top 4 Ski Related Comedies

1. Better Off Dead
2. Ski Patrol
3. Ski School
4. Hot Dog: The Movie

On an unrelated note, I finally saw Million Dollar Baby. Now, there really is no reason why it has taken me this long to watch the movie. I love Clint Eastwood and Morgan Freeman. And yet I've just now seen it. My theory is that I am prone to shy away from critically praised movies. To me, critically praised often means utterly deplorable. But, thankfully Clint is the man with the golden touch. Million Dollar Baby was an excellent movie. Not even buddy from Undeclared with the fakey Texan accent could ruin this amazing movie.

Here There Be Pirates

I have been spending far too much time on the internet as of late. Damn you, soulseek. It would be bad enough if I was just spending far too much time on the internet but to make matters worse, I'm currently living in my parent's basement. Post-University success, thy name is basement life. Luckily the Devo bootlegs, rare Eric's Trip cassettes and the 5.6.7.8's albums are making up for it.

But as long as the pirate ship is three sheets to the wind, there will be bootlegs. Speaking of which, I just finished watching Wedding Crashers. I'm not one for romantic comedies, with the exceptions of romantic comedy horror movies (aka Hormances) like Shaun of the Dead and Dead Alive. But with the frat pack at the helm I was game for this flick. Plus Vince Vaughn is the man and this movie is only further proof of that fact. All gags and romance aside, the movie has a pretty good cast including Christopher Walken, Owen Wilson, Henry Gibson, the rapping granny from The Wedding Singer and fellow frat packer Will Ferrell.

I guess it all boils down to this: as depressing as my current situation might be at least I won't be without the Nintendo Teenage Robots album any longer. Hey fellow soulseek freaks, look me up, I'm quammy902. But don't try and upload your shitty Asia bootlegs to me, I don't swing that way.